India is not known the world over for being a model of perfect efficiency.
And after a few days you begin to wonder how they even manage to keep the shop shelves stocked with essentials.
Our three-hour backwater cruise was supposed to leave Fort Cochin, Kerala, at 2pm and return at 6pm with a brief taxi trip at each end.
We were told to arrive at the place where we booked it at 1.45pm.
But it is fair to say that all did not run smoothly. To give you some idea of how bad India can be, let me give you a breakdown of what happened.
1.30pm - We arrive at the hotel we booked our tour through early in case our 1.45pm pick up is early. There is no one on reception.
1.50pm - There is still no one around in the hotel and no sign
of our taxi. I step into the kitchen and I am instantly hit by the vile
smell and see an elderly toothless women "cleaning" the hopelessly
dirty floor with a hopelessly dirty mop. She doesn't speak a word of
English, so summons help.
The second worker starts looking in the January 2012 diary to see if we really have booked a tour today.
I point out that it is February 2013 and, several minutes later, she listens and finds our booking. One phone call later we are told our taxi is still coming.
2.05pm - The taxi is here. We will be on our three-hour cruise shortly. Or will we...
2.20pm - Okay, so it seems it may be a very long taxi ride to where our boat leaves from. (And there was me thinking it might leave from near the hotel which is 100yards from the water). We are stuck in a traffic jam.
2.35pm - Sitting in the back of a stifling hot car with no air conditioning, me and Kelly-Ann are becoming agitated. Fear not, the driver says in his broken English, the boat doesn't leave until 3.30pm.
Hmmm maybe this isn't a three-hour cruise after all.
2.40pm - The driver says there has been an accident, and that's why we are stuck in traffic.
2.45pm Hell bent on having his own accident, the impatient driver decides it will be quicker to drive on the opposite side of the road.
We are on a narrow two-lane bridge. He surges forward, slamming his foot hard on the accelerator - before realising that a lorry is coming in the opposite direction. He brakes and tries to pull back in, but as the cars are lined up bumper to bumper, he can't.
With another lorry on his left, the driver again tries to pull over to allow the approaching HGV past. There isn't room.
As I'm directly in the firing line for the seemingly inevitable crunch, I move over to the other side of the car so I am not showered by smashed glass and hit by warped metal.
The driver then scrapes the car. But somehow, miraculously, the lorry creeps through without taking half our car with it.
2.55pm - After that little drama we are stationary again and it looks like we won't make 3.30pm and the boat will leave without us.
3.05pm - We are through the roadworks! Yes, that's right, roadworks. They've been going on for days and the driver should have taken a different route.
Maybe we will make 3.30pm.
3.10pm - What? The driver pulls over and stops. We need to wait for 10 minutes, he says, to pick up two more people on the boat trip who are stuck in traffic in a car behind us.
Great.
3.25pm - 15 minutes have passed and there is no sign of the other car. The driver is out of the vehicle and chatting away on his mobile phone.
3.30pm - Well the boat should be leaving now and we are still at the roadside.
3.35pm - We have been patient for the last hour and a half, but now I ask what on earth is going on - we have missed the boat.
Don't worry, he says. The boat won't leave until you get there and your trip will last three hours.
3.40pm - "Do you want some water?" the driver offers after an hour and a half in his baking hot car. Then he remembers he doesn't have any. We are still at the roadside.
3.45pm - Now he goes for a walk down the road without telling us, leaving the keys in the ignition.
3.50pm - We point out that we stopped for 10 minutes around 40 minutes ago. The driver says it will be a few more minutes.
4pm - Hurrah! The two Korean tourists finally arrive and are squeezed into the back of our tiny car with us. We are on the move!
4.10pm - We are still driving and making good progress at last. To try and catch up some of the lost time the driver is mainly using the wrong side of the road because it is quicker. Yes, there is an obvious problem with that but he doesn't seem to realise it.
4.20pm - Still driving.
4.25pm - Still driving. Bored
4.26pm - We pull off the main road onto a ramshackle track which seems wholly unsuitable for cars. Could we be nearly there?
4.28pm - We arrive! It has only taken two hours and 20 minutes. If this boat trip lasts three hours it will be dark when we return.
(Boat interlude)
6.40pm - It is starting to get dark and we are still on the boat.
6.45pm - The guide insists we must be dropped off by the taxi driver where we were picked up rather than at our accommodation which is far closer and basically en route. Requests to be dropped off at a bus stop also fall upon deaf ears.
7.05pm - Yep, it is dark. Our visibility is almost zero and the trip is now pointless.
To give you some idea how bad our visibility is, I took this picture:
7.15pm - We are off the boat and immediately have another row with the guide about how pointless it is for us to be taken back to our pick-up point.
Apparently it is "the rules".
Fortunately the driver - no doubt feeling guilty for his antics earlier - does relent and agrees to take us to a bus stop en route.
8.05pm - We are dropped off at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere but can get back to our accommodation this way.
We had expected to be back at 6pm so are over two hours late.
The boat trip lasted two hours 45 minutes. We have spent three hours and 15 minutes in the taxi being taken to and from the boat. Ridiculous.
And after a few days you begin to wonder how they even manage to keep the shop shelves stocked with essentials.
Our three-hour backwater cruise was supposed to leave Fort Cochin, Kerala, at 2pm and return at 6pm with a brief taxi trip at each end.
We were told to arrive at the place where we booked it at 1.45pm.
But it is fair to say that all did not run smoothly. To give you some idea of how bad India can be, let me give you a breakdown of what happened.
1.30pm - We arrive at the hotel we booked our tour through early in case our 1.45pm pick up is early. There is no one on reception.
 |
| Our view: Looking out of the front of the taxi as we sat at the roadside waiting for two Korean girls to be dropped off |
The second worker starts looking in the January 2012 diary to see if we really have booked a tour today.
I point out that it is February 2013 and, several minutes later, she listens and finds our booking. One phone call later we are told our taxi is still coming.
2.05pm - The taxi is here. We will be on our three-hour cruise shortly. Or will we...
2.20pm - Okay, so it seems it may be a very long taxi ride to where our boat leaves from. (And there was me thinking it might leave from near the hotel which is 100yards from the water). We are stuck in a traffic jam.
2.35pm - Sitting in the back of a stifling hot car with no air conditioning, me and Kelly-Ann are becoming agitated. Fear not, the driver says in his broken English, the boat doesn't leave until 3.30pm.
Hmmm maybe this isn't a three-hour cruise after all.
 |
| Our driver chatting away on his mobile phone. It seemed to be permanently glued to his ear - especially when he was driving |
2.40pm - The driver says there has been an accident, and that's why we are stuck in traffic.
2.45pm Hell bent on having his own accident, the impatient driver decides it will be quicker to drive on the opposite side of the road.
We are on a narrow two-lane bridge. He surges forward, slamming his foot hard on the accelerator - before realising that a lorry is coming in the opposite direction. He brakes and tries to pull back in, but as the cars are lined up bumper to bumper, he can't.
With another lorry on his left, the driver again tries to pull over to allow the approaching HGV past. There isn't room.
As I'm directly in the firing line for the seemingly inevitable crunch, I move over to the other side of the car so I am not showered by smashed glass and hit by warped metal.
The driver then scrapes the car. But somehow, miraculously, the lorry creeps through without taking half our car with it.
2.55pm - After that little drama we are stationary again and it looks like we won't make 3.30pm and the boat will leave without us.
3.05pm - We are through the roadworks! Yes, that's right, roadworks. They've been going on for days and the driver should have taken a different route.
Maybe we will make 3.30pm.
3.10pm - What? The driver pulls over and stops. We need to wait for 10 minutes, he says, to pick up two more people on the boat trip who are stuck in traffic in a car behind us.
Great.
 |
| We went for the Kerala backwaters and got a dusty view of the roadside |
3.30pm - Well the boat should be leaving now and we are still at the roadside.
3.35pm - We have been patient for the last hour and a half, but now I ask what on earth is going on - we have missed the boat.
Don't worry, he says. The boat won't leave until you get there and your trip will last three hours.
3.40pm - "Do you want some water?" the driver offers after an hour and a half in his baking hot car. Then he remembers he doesn't have any. We are still at the roadside.
 |
| Bored in the back |
3.50pm - We point out that we stopped for 10 minutes around 40 minutes ago. The driver says it will be a few more minutes.
4pm - Hurrah! The two Korean tourists finally arrive and are squeezed into the back of our tiny car with us. We are on the move!
4.10pm - We are still driving and making good progress at last. To try and catch up some of the lost time the driver is mainly using the wrong side of the road because it is quicker. Yes, there is an obvious problem with that but he doesn't seem to realise it.
4.20pm - Still driving.
4.25pm - Still driving. Bored
4.26pm - We pull off the main road onto a ramshackle track which seems wholly unsuitable for cars. Could we be nearly there?
4.28pm - We arrive! It has only taken two hours and 20 minutes. If this boat trip lasts three hours it will be dark when we return.
(Boat interlude)
6.40pm - It is starting to get dark and we are still on the boat.
6.45pm - The guide insists we must be dropped off by the taxi driver where we were picked up rather than at our accommodation which is far closer and basically en route. Requests to be dropped off at a bus stop also fall upon deaf ears.
7.05pm - Yep, it is dark. Our visibility is almost zero and the trip is now pointless.
To give you some idea how bad our visibility is, I took this picture:
 |
| Zero visibility: What the end of our trip looked like |
7.15pm - We are off the boat and immediately have another row with the guide about how pointless it is for us to be taken back to our pick-up point.
Apparently it is "the rules".
Fortunately the driver - no doubt feeling guilty for his antics earlier - does relent and agrees to take us to a bus stop en route.
8.05pm - We are dropped off at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere but can get back to our accommodation this way.
We had expected to be back at 6pm so are over two hours late.
The boat trip lasted two hours 45 minutes. We have spent three hours and 15 minutes in the taxi being taken to and from the boat. Ridiculous.
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